She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
