My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Randomize
