You smell like stripper and shame
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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