And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
