I'm so fucking centered right now
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
