Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
