There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
