I wish I only lived at night.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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