We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
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