Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
