when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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