i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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