I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
And then he peed in my hair
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