I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
it glows. i had to have it.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Randomize
