I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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