my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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