Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
