I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
