Heybabeimwearingurpanties
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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