I just found puke in my bra..
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
