If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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