it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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