I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
