I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize