Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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