i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
