Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
