I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize