"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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