I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
