my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
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