Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize