Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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