I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
