I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
