who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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