I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
