you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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