Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Randomize
