he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
worst night to have a conscience
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The beers last night were like the tears from god
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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