In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
