my phone needs a breathalizer
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
