I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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