Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
