No stitches, just platelets and will power
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
