just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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