How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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