I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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