I wish my penis had an off switch
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Someone came in the potted fern
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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