I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
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