he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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