best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
