you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
