Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Be still, my beating vagina.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
