you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
