The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize