Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize