Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
