Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
