Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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