I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
