You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
