Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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