We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
