we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
