you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
