Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
