Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
